Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
