I'm eating all of the evidence.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
