I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize