I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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