Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
