he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
