My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
