I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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