My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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