New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize