And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
