theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
