I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
