Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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