I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
