Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I need a burrito and a hug.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
