margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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