I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
