i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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