i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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