Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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