shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
