Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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