Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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