im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
