Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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