Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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