Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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