I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
