I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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