Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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