I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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