I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
