How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
