im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
