i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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