ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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