So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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