he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
