I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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