i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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