The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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