life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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