"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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