glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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