Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
