he shaved USA in his pubs
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
