we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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