last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
