she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
