You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
