at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
A bitchslap is in order.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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