Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Damn victory sex feels great
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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