It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
