She said her name was "party"
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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