Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize