theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
