i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Sober January is a disaster.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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